Wednesday, 19 February 2014

The good, the bad, and the ugly.... and how I feel in general

Apart from the news on Sunny that I shared last week there are also news about me and why this blog is neglected at the moment (which makes me sad).

The good
The positive news is that I finally found a job that seems to be suitable for me. I accepted a job offer some weeks ago and will start working again on April 1, 2014. I cannot tell you how much I look forward to that! Being a SAHM mom was fine - for a few months. However, it is not the right thing for me. I know there are a lot of mothers out there who enjoy staying at home and taking care of the household and whatever they do apart from that and that is just fine. For me it is becoming more and more of a strain. I feel isolated at home. I am missing conversations with adult (and, while Sunny is at school, actually with anyone!). I do not enjoy doing chores. It is just not fulfilling for me. So this is why I look forward to start working part time again soon.

The only problem will be the school holidays and the number of days that I can take off from work because they do not match. So I have to see who will be able to take care of Sunny while I work. I will talk to the respite care we had last year but since she was quite expensive and I will need her more often than last year I need to find another solution.

The bad
Some weeks ago I had something removed from my forehead in a small surgery that my dermatologist referred to as keratoderma which means, in her words, "nothing dangerous and not medically necessary to remove, just not nicely looking". However, I have had it for two years now and the last months it started to ache and bleed and it just did not really heal anymore. So I had it removed because it started to bother me. It was quite big in size and the surgery and healing process were rather painful and tedious.

The ugly
One week after the keratoderma was removed my dermatologist called me and informed me that the lab results came back and revealed that it was actually skin cancer and no keratoderma. Ugh. I was so relieved that I insisted on having this surgery! My dermatologist was shocked because she had been 100 % sure that it was no skin cancer.

She knew, however, that I was prone to skin cancer since I had my first one at age 16 - and had it removed for the same reason, because it had annoyed me, unbeknownst to my former dermatologist that it was skin cancer either. It seems to be a typical thing with my skin that those things look atypical on my body.

Anyway, I need to have two more surgeries in March where more skin and deeper dermal layers will be removed to make sure that all of the cancer cells are removed. The wound will stay open for one week until the lab results come back to make sure the edges of the removed skin are cancer-free. If not, the surgeon will remove more skin and then close the wound either with a transplant (most like skin taken from behind my ear) or, what would be best, try to close it without a transplant. The latter is more difficult because the skin on the forehead does not stretch very much and the scalp does not move enough to close a large wound. But I would only have one straight scar instead of a round one that a transplant would produce. He will have to see what works and what does not when he closes the wound.

How I feel
I have not been feeling too well lately. I am not as resilient as I normally am, I feel lethargic, I am easily irritable and get impatient and unfair quite quickly. I do not like the person I am at the moment and I hope that my new job will help me to find my spirit again. I do not think the skin cancer thing is the reason for my low in mood but I am sure it adds to it. I would just like to sit around all day doing nothing but when I actually DO that for some time (not the whole day, mind you) I feel discontent, too.

Also, I am really looking forward to the carnival starting next week and I will see if my body needs some vitamins or other herbal stuff that can help me.

Right now I feel uncomfortable with myself and I need to find my balance again.


  1. First of all, congrats on the job, Joy! This is exciting news! I totally know how you feel, I am SO not SAHM-material :-) I'm going to be home for about 8 months starting July, but at least I'll have an infant and 2 older kids to take care of, not like back in the day when I was stuck home with Lily. I am so glad that you stood up for yourself and demanded the surgery. Keeping you in my thoughts that the other surgeries go well and you're up to your prime again. Hugs, Joy!

  2. I think we all go through periods of just not feeling right. You are under a lot of stressors in addition to the ones you have been dealing with for so long. Give yourself a moment to reboot, schedule a girls night or a date with your husband. Remember to take care of you :)

    Congrats on your new job. I hope it gives you what you need to keep balanced.


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