Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Unimaginable

I had a doctor's appointment for a regular check-up this morning and during the blood withdrawal the nurse and I spoke about Sunny and how he has brought home the cold from school several times this winter already. And how I always get sick, too, and while he bounces back rather quickly I have a stuffed nose for two weeks and just as I am healthy again the next cold is coming home from school. You know, just small talk like that.

Then, on the way home while driving in my car, the conversation replayed in my head and my thoughts started wandering. I thought about school and what it would be like if Sunny attended a regular school. Then my mind imagined Sunny sitting in his seat in my car after school, chattering away about everything and nothing that happened during the day.

And then my mind came to a screeching halt and a realisation hit me like a truck. I was not able to imagine Sunny chatting to me. I cannot imagine what it would be like if he could just talk to me about anything that is going on in his sweet little head or something that he saw, something that happened to him or things someone said to him. It is a scene my brain is not able to produce and that makes me so very sad. Because, obviously, it is unthinkable. Unimaginable. Because it is so far away from where we are today.

It all happened so quickly (like it always does when your mind jumps from one thought to the other within nanoseconds) but this realisation burst my heart into a million tiny little pieces and right now I am trying to collect those pieces and glue them together again with shaking hands.

It always astonishes me how some tiny moments hit me so hard although the facts are so known to me.



10 comments:

  1. I so get what you mean, been there... Sorry and I am sending you big hugs!

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    1. Thanks for the hugs Natalia and for getting it! xo

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  2. joy, my heart is breaking for you. how are things coming with Sunny's talker?

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    1. Thank you so much Misty. At the moment Sunny does not want to use the talker which makes me extra sad :-(

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  3. Oh Joy! I so hear you on this. The grief hits at the oddest times. So thankful for a God who knows and understands; who can take our hearts and rebuild them in his best way. bless you heaps :)

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  4. I can't relate to your situation because I'm not a special needs parent, but I can relate ot realizign you can't imagine somehting "normal" because it sis so far from reality (I'm disbled myself). Plese do take your time to process your feelings. Sometimes you may need to grieve having a special needs child, and that doesn't mean you d on't love Sunny. It just means you grieve your dreams beign shattered, like I grieved when eye surgery failed to restore my tiny amount of sight. (via Love That Max)

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  5. I'm hopping over from Love That Max. I can't relate, because I am not a special needs parent (I'm the disable dperson myself), but I can relate to finding certain "normal" experiences unimaginable because they're so far from reality. I understand youf eel sad because of this. Take your time to process your feelings. It's normal to grieve haivng a special needs child, and that doesn't mean you don't love Sunny. It just mean syour dreams have been shattered, like mine were when eye surgeyr failed to restore the sight I used to have (which was minimal but still).

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  6. Hopping over from Love That Max, and sorry if this is my third commetn in a row, I didn't get a message that my previous comments were in the mod queue or being shown. I can't relate becaus eof not being a special needs parent (I'm disabled myself), but I can relate to not being able to imagine scertaiN normal" experiences because they're so far from reality. It is sad. Take your time to process your feelings please. It is a grieving process. Not that you dont'love Sunny, but your dreams were s till shattered, like mine were when eye surgery failed ot restore my minimal bit of vision.

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  7. I get like this too, when I try to imagine my Bethany as a typical15 year old. I try to remember what her older siblings were like at her age, but it is really impossible to imagine! I'm visiting from Love that Max and would love for you to share your blog over at mine http://faithfulmomof9.com I have a Friendship Friday post going every week!

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    1. I'm so glad you stopped by! Please come again. I'd love to have ya!

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