Sunny returned to kindergarten yesterday and I am starting to "recover". That might sound dramatic but it feels that way.
He was at home for two weeks. I was glad that the respite care I had reached out for was here to help me for some time.
I have written about that dilemma I feel when he is home for a longer period of time before. Weekends are hard, holidays are harder. And so I sometimes catch myself thinking how much I look forward to him returning to kindergarten. And after that thought I feel immediately guilty for even thinking this. Parents who lost their kids come to my mind and I am sure they would trade my feeling of being stressed within a blink of an eye if only their kids came back to them. I think of couples desperately trying to become parents. I think about moms that have it so much harder than I do. And then I feel completely ungrateful for my wonderful child and I am ashamed. I scold myself because I should be so glad that my child is healthy and home with me, that we are spending time together because the time flies and he will soon be grown up and not my little boy anymore. These thoughts tug at my heart. I strongly feel that I should savour every minute we spend together. That I should Carpe Diem our time together.
I love my son, with all my heart and with every ounce of my being. I am ever so glad that he is healthy and home with me, I really am. Still, there are times when it is just so exhausting. It is physically exhausting because he is like the Energizer Bunny, he runs and runs and runs. I have to keep his pace because I cannot leave him unattended. He constantly challenges me to play ball with him, jump on the trampoline with him, go with him wherever he wants me to, build forts with him, take him on the slide or on the swings (he cannot go on the swings alone so I take him on my lap), etc. He still wants to be carried very often (which I love to do, as you know). This all sums up to my physical exhaustion. And then there is the part of mental exhaustion. Since he cannot speak I have to do all the talking for both of us. So I talk for him and I answer myself and I explain things to him that he shows me, I talk and talk and sometimes it just feels like my brain is on overload.
I feel more or less rejuvenated in the mornings (depending on how the night was) and ready to tackle our day again but my level of exhaustion increases as the days of his holidays pass and the rejuvenation gets a bit smaller each day. At the end of a holiday season my match cord has become quite short and sometimes I need to really take a deep breath in-between in order to avoid an unfair explosion for a bagatelle.
I am caught between Carpe Diem and wishing my life away. It is a place where I do not want to be because I do not feel comfortable here but still am. I am guilt-ridden ever so often. I guess there are other parents out there who are in the same place, but that does not help me. I wonder if the generation before us - our mothers and fathers - knew that place, too.
I am really so grateful for my son, he is the most important person in the whole world to me. I love how he makes me laugh, how he shows me the wonders of the world through his eyes, how he wordlessly tells me how much he needs me, how active and curious he is because it shows me how much he loves life, how much he wants to communicate with me and I want to enjoy every minute I spend with him. But sometimes it is just not possible and that makes me feel so bad. Because to me it feels like I do not acknowledge the good times enough and this is something he does not deserve.
I have written this post this morning and was hesitant to publish it all day. Because I feel like I am the most ungrateful mother in the whole world and I feel like whining without a real reason because our life is so easy compared to so many others out there. I am well aware of that and I do hope it does not come across as too whiney. If it does I want to apologise for it.