Last week I opended the mailbox and found a letter of our geneticist. We went there last fall to have yet another, more specific series of genetic testing done, for the third time now. I was a bit nervous as I opened the envelope and before I took the time to read it properly I skimmed over the text quickly in order to find any results. But there were no results. Sunny is still undiagnosed. And, moreover, we reached the end of what can be tested by now. The letter said that more precise testing would maybe be available next year and that we should contact them again if we would like to have it done then.
As I mentioned before, I am cool with Sunny being undiagnosed. Truth be told, I would even have been very surprised had the letter contained any result and finally provided us with a reason for Sunny's delays. And although I really did not expect any result at all (after all the testing that has been done with regard to genetics and anything else that can be testet I guess I just got used to getting letters with no result in the end) there was still a strange feeling I had when I saw that the letter did not contain anything. Again. I cannot even put my finger on the exact feeling I had. Was it disappointment? Was it emptiness? Was it despair? Was it sadness? I don't know.
I do know, however, that nothing has changed and that sometimes there are worse things than that. And I do know that a diagnosis would not have changed much too, apart from having a name for it all. And maybe an outlook on a future I would not want to know about.
The feeling I had vanished quickly and I am fine. We have not talked about it thoroughly yet but from my point of view I do not want to pursue any more diagnostics any more. It is what it is and we will embrace the hard times and celebrate the good times. Like we always do.
PS: This week is crazily busy as we are going to visit my parents tomorrow and will stay there for almost a week. So there is a lot to do and organise before we leave. I am not sure if I will find the time to post while I am away as we are heading into the carnival season and hopefully will enjoy ourselves!