Sunny has some issues with social interactions. He does not really like to cuddle or to get cuddled. He bears it for one or two seconds and then he escapes. He avoids eye contact whenever possible. When he gets hurt he does not want to be comforted. However, these are all things that I long for and sometimes it breaks my heart that he does not let me be the mom I want to be. That I am not allowed to follow my instincts and get the chance to be there for him when his knee hurts because he fell or that I cannot snuggle him more than a second and show him how much I love him. That he does not like to look at me.
When he was a newborn baby he only slept on my tummy at night for months on end. But as he got older we noticed that he preferred to sleep by himself more and more and that falling asleep became easier for him when he was alone and not surrounded by my husband or me. Today it is almost impossible to sleep with him in one bed as he immediately feels that it is time to play when I take him to my bed - no matter what time it is - and then sleep is the thing he is the least interested in. But as much as some parents want their kids out of their bed to finally have it for themselves again, sometimes I wish I could lie in bed together with him, hold him tight, feel has small, warm body against mine and his sweet breath in my face.
But when he gets sick and feels really miserable he turns into the biggest snuggler one can imagine. He wants to be carried around 24/7. We wants me to sing songs for him, to stroke his hair, hold him tight, to cradle him for hours on end, he wants to be as close as possible to me. This time is no exception. I am so very sorry for him when he is sick and suffers and feels so miserable. And there is nothing I want more than for him to be healthy and well. But I love that I get the chance to care for him the way I would like to do much more often. That I can finally be there for him and that he also needs me then, too. And my heart skipped a beat when I entered his room last night because he woke up crying and after I had comforted him he signed me that he wanted to come to my bed with me. So we spent the rest of the night together, me cuddling and comforting him and showing him all the love that I have to set aside for moments like these.