Monday, 10 December 2012

Holding on and letting go

A long day is over, I had a cup of hot spiced wine, wrapped up some presents, and my thoughts went rolling....

Some days ago I read this post of Alicia. It made me cry when I read it. I literally felt how Pink touched her face and what she felt in that exact moment she describes. Her post is so bittersweet, I love it.

They say that as soon as a baby is born we are in the process of letting go. For me this is only partly true. When I read that post I just felt sad and sorry somehow because Alicia described her feelings so well and I could totally relate. Now, after a few days when it all sunk in I start to wonder if I will ever experience a moment like this. If Sunny will ever be able to tell me or show me how much he loves me. If he will ever attend a birthday party like that, without me. I would give anything to experience a moment like this, no matter how hard it might be in that moment to see how much he has grown and how he is getting more and more independent of me.

But as I thought about it I came to realise that I am also in a process of holding on and letting go. It only involves other things than usual. I am in the process of holding on to my hope that one day he will be able to do all the things that typical kids of his age can do. And at the same time I know that I might have to be letting go of these thoughts gradually. I will never give up hope and I know he will not stop to impress me with the progress he will be making in the future. I just have to find a balance between holding on and letting go.



20 comments:

  1. Oh sweet sister of mine...I cried when I read her post, and yours too. It is so hard to explain to anybody who is not there how heartbreaking it is to feel joy for other parents who are happy and sad with these moments when we don't know if we will ever have them. I got Tucker's first speech evaluation form back today from his school and he is at 2%. Which makes me so so so sad. And I know for certain that he will not be doing something like your friend. And I want that for him so much.

    But you are so right that we have to find a balance between holding on and letting go. I let Tucker go every day to school knowing that he will not be able to tell me how the day went. I let go. then. But I hang on to everything else, because I can.

    You are love. So glad we found each other.

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    1. Oh Kristi, I am so sorry about the speech evaluation! I mean, we all know that our child is delayed, but to be told so officially or to read it black on white is still so hard every time it happens. It is always like a kick in the stomach. :-(
      Yeah, I am also sad that Sunny cannot tell me what happened at kindergarten. We are going to get a talker for him soon and I hope so much that this will change when he gets used to using it.
      Sending you lots of hugs! And yes, I am so glad about finding you, too! xoxo

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  2. What kind of talker are you getting? XOXO And thanks for the virtual hugs! :)

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    1. We hope that we'll get a Dynavox maestro. At least that is what we made a request for.

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  3. i remember those days when patty couldn't tell me about her day. actually, i practically stayed with her in those early days of preschool. i will be forever thankful to ms. anita who let me stay for as long as i wanted.

    i definitely think i worry more than the average mom. last year, her class took a trip to watch Clifford the Big Red Dog and I was horrified when the permission slip said parents could not attend.

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    1. That was very nice of Ms Anita to let you stay for so long! Actually, Sunny is now in his third year at kindgarten, so that would have made a long time of staying for me!

      And I think it is absolutely okay to be a worrying mom! Much better than a mom who doesn't care for her child! :-)

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  4. thank you for your comment at my blog today and i am happy you left that comment so that I could come and visit you here!! It was such a walk down memory lane to read that old post on my blog about my daughter's first drop off birthday party. She was four at the time and now is 8!! I can't believe how much has changed, and I'm still in the process with all four of them of holding on and letting go at the same time. I suppose that is part of motherhood :). I've added your blog to my blogroll and will visit often :)

    thank you for the support :)! Alicia D (from the "old" Welcome To My Planet")

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    1. Hi Alicia,
      Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my blog! I have been reading your blog for such a long time now and I am reading it backwards at the same time, going right back to the very beginning. And this post of Pink's first drop off b-day party is where I am right now. And it really hit home, I must say.
      I am glad you like it here and look forward to meeting you more often!

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  5. Your writing brought tears to my eyes. Not sure what else to say. Wow.

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    1. Thanks, Stephanie. It just flowed right out of my heart into my fingers.

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  6. I have yet to let me son be the sleepover-ee and he's eight years old. At some point I'm going to run out of excuses. :-( TALU

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    1. Kenya, why are you hesitant? But I get the point... letting go is always hard!

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  7. I'm visiting today from TALU, and didn't know your story before. I'm so sorry to hear this. The way you write about it and share is so beautiful. Without having been in these shoes, I think the way you describe letting go as a process sounds so right. Hoping that hope keeps gripping you...

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    1. Thank you so much for your wonderful comment which actually brought tears to my eyes. And yes, I will always have hope, I am sure of that!

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  8. Hi - I'm from Talu and just want to sent some virtual hugs your way. Lovely post and so full of feeling. xoxo

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  9. Hoping the talker will open up whole new worlds for your family. You may be surprised to find that Sunny has been saying I Love You in a way you haven't been able to read yet. I'm sure you'll get there, with or without the talker.

    What made me think about that was a show about a medium the other day. If you believe in that, it's sort of the same concept. People lose someone in their life and keep hoping for a "sign" that the person is still around them. A lot of times it seems like they're sending signs we're just not picking up on right away. [#TALU]

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    1. Hi Chris, thanks for your comment. I know that my son loves me, he just has a hard time showing it. But it gets better.

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  10. The holding on and letting go balance...oh, such a tough thing to achieve. Can you ever? I am not sure I will ever be good at it. I understand what it is to wonder if your child will get to experience all the things in life that you wish and hope and pray for...the things that most kids do. My heart goes out to you. And I just want to say, hold on. Hold on to hope, always. Visiting from TALU.

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    1. I will hold on to hope, I always will. I promise. Thank you for visiting and for your heartfelt comment!

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